I almost screamed today

I've been doing pretty well. Holding it together so far, keeping my emotions @ bay, feigning sanity. But today though, today, I wanted to lose it. Today though, today, I wanted to scream. When she walked in, with it in tow. With the one thing I want so badly. With the one thing I'm told I can't have. The one thing he's looking into as I write. Right. Now. I don't want to be strong any longer...but I have to be. Why though? Why? I hear one thing, I see another, I dream another, and feel...feel what exactly? Do I feel? Do I feel right now? Am I letting myself feel? Or am I on autopilot? Am I? I try not to think about it. Try not to get weighed down. But that's not always possible. Not even feasible. To whom should I give credence? Which one of my senses? Feeling? Seeing? Where does faith lie in all this? I'm not strong enough right now ... Not brave enough to have the faith I need. I'm trying. But I'm failing...woefully...at least I think I am. I'm tired. Exhausted.